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When you have a conflict, particularly with a family member or someone that you want to maintain a relationship with, you do not need to feel pressured to make a decision about your conflict. You do not need to rush into problem solving or making an agreement.
Take some time to talk to each other about your relationship in general, what you visualize the relationship to be. Talk about how you feel. Question deeply, respect, and allow trust to develop so you can go deep about how you feel about each other and what is going on.
You will learn a lot from each other, and feel more bonded and feel better emotionally when you do start talking about your needs. You will want to honor each other's needs, because you have a better understand and trust of each other.
Then, you can start trying to resolve the conflict. There is no need to rush into an agreement. When people rush into agreements without being listened to, and without all their needs met, that is when you see agreements not honored.
I had an email discussion/conflict with a friend recently that in the past I would have mangled so badly. This time, I read and re-read. I tried to think the best. I asked him questions. He answered, I thanked him, I asked more questions, we both gave our opinions, I revealed some info, he revealed more, I asked questions, etc etc. Until finally it got so deep and revealing that I had to call him and thank him for his honesty and trusting me to say more. We still had not resolved the initial conflict, but got some other lingering conflict reasons understood. The conflict is still under some negotiation, but we were able to put that decision off, and just talk about other things so we understood each other.
Can you dialogue now, and decide later?
Published 10/09/09 at Morning Coach. |
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Separate the real from the not real. |
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